Inner Search Begun in Girlhood
By Leslie Crane
I have memories of myself as a young girl of twelve years of age at my family's summer home on Lake Michigan. On Sundays all the families nearby would go to a program of music or recitation near the hotel and steam boat wharf.
A man gave a talk whose name and subject matter I have totally forgotten, but he ended with this poem. Although, bored with the presentation up to this point, when I heard the poem something in me was profoundly touched. Something was speaking to me. I had always felt helpless and confused about my identity and the meaning of existence. From that time on my whole life was transformed into a search for my true self, which I now sensed would bring meaning and fulfillment to my life. I went to the library, located the poem in an anthology, ordered the book and memorized the poem at once.
From that point until I was through college I repeated the poem every morning and night and numerous other times during the day when I felt inadequate and as though I couldn't fit in anywhere.
After that, though, I continued to repeat it often through marriage, children, and later in pursuit of a career. As a psychologist I felt much less need for it. But it is certain that the poem was for many decades a heart warming support without which I could hardly imagine I could have survived.
And still now in my 80s, when I may feel frustrated and overly influenced by others, I might occasionally have parts of it come to mind, or perhaps even recite the whole poem. But I have grown and evolved beyond dependence on the inspiring poem. Perhaps that is what is meant by self-dependence. The poem served to point me to an inner source from which comes all that one needs-confidence, nurture, and creative understanding.
Self Dependence
By Matthew Arnold
Weary of myself and sick of asking
What I am, and what I ought to be,
At this vessels's prow I stand, which bears me
Forward, forward, o'er the starlit sea.
And a look of passionate desire
O'er the sea and to the stars I send:
"Ye, who from my childhood up have calmed me,
Calm me, ah, compose me to the end."
"Ah, once more, 'I cried,' Ye stars! Ye waters!
On my heart your mighty charm renew;
Still, still let me, as I gaze upon you,
Feel my soul becoming vast like you!"
From the intense clear star-sown vault of heaven,
Over the lit sea's unquiet way,
In the rustling night-air came the answer:
"Wouldst thou BE as these are? LIVE as they!
"Unafrighted by the silence 'round them,
Undistracted by the sights they see,
These demand not that the things without them
Yield them love, amusement, sympathy.
And with joy the stars perform their shining,
And the sea its long moon-silvered roll:
For self-poised they live, nor pine with noting
All the fever of some differing soul.
"Bounded by themselves and unregardful
In what state God's other works may be,
In their own tasks all their powers pouring,
These attain the mighty life you see."
O air-born voice! long since, severely clear,
A cry like thine in mine own heart I hear:
"Resolve to be thyself and know that he
Who finds himself loseth his misery!
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